| rambling |
[12 Feb 2005|08:24pm] |
I'd break the crystals of my broken heart and space them out on a black canvas as an offering of the stars, to shed its guiding light onto the torn surface of my heart.
For a love so misleading, I'll save you the bullshit of so many words that will seem to have no meaning, Because before every door, you'll have a thousand boys that will wait for the chance to cram in their feelings. I'll stand alone, with my star struck picture in hand, to give to another whom I might stand a chance.
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[12 Feb 2005|08:21pm] |
Mom and John are fucking and its making the most gruesome noise. If I were to fall into a pit of utter misery, dark and dreary and the only light is shined upon my mangled body, I think I'd have this recording play.
Because of this, I will refuse sex for another eight months.
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[10 Feb 2005|02:47pm] |
Hey, everybody don't forget me I forgot who I used to be And I'm a short fuse burning I'm so close to exploding So everybody don't forget me I forgot who I used to be
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| Kylie Ownz |
[08 Feb 2005|06:46pm] |
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Everyone sucks but Kylie today because she is sick! And if she were to vomit all her organs in this plague she faces, then I'd like her to know that she's one of a kind. That she's one of the coolest girls I have ever met and that shes fucking talented even though she doesn't believe so herself. I'd like her to know that I think she's beautiful, and the funny thing is that she doesn't even try, Nope. She's naturally pretty and thats more than alot of you LJ fucks can say for yourself with your glossy high contrast pictures and caked makeup, not smiling being all black (excuse my french!) starve all the black third world children (BWAHAHAHAI DIDNT SAY THAT) and I love her with every organ in my body even my peepee. And if this card doesn't top the other entries about her, then I'll just give 'er oral later. Oral-B tooth brush that is! But seriously, do me.
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[08 Feb 2005|10:06am] |
If I wrote a song, sweet enough to make the angels cry, would you know I wrote that song for you?
If I plucked the most vibrant flower from kindly womans flower bed, would you know that I picked it as a present for you?
If I were to create a time machine to myself send back to a time where my heart was still alive, would you know that I intended on giving my love to you?
If I were to leave this world today, would you ever feel incomplete knowing that I had never told you how I felt; when you might have possibly loved me too?
Now entering Palm Coast, Where the dead are walking, and ordering too much shit from Wendys. I HATE OLD PEOPLE!!!
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| IMPORTANT |
[01 Feb 2005|05:03pm] |
Listen up,
I got a new AOL screen name, yes, I know what you're thinking, OMGZ MANDA IS BACK TO USING AOL? The correct anwser is Yes, 4 out of 5 dentists agree. Anyway,
AOL: ZestFuhleeClean
If you don't add me now, I'll probably forget you exist. DO IT NOW!
Oh yeah, I got a cell phone. Call it and give me your number. Otherwise I might forget you exist.
Same area code - 864 - 1527
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[17 Jan 2005|02:56am] |
I HATE EVERYONE THAT ISN'T ME AND I WANT THAT MADE VERY CLEAR.
Hey LJ fucks,
What's new in the life of Amanduh? I made a thousand dollars. That's what's up, I own. Period. Hmm, might be in Flizorida sometime soon, look forward to that. But untill then, curl up with a nice refreshing book and snuggle by the fire with your ant farm and consentrate on building up your own self esteem.
CHRISTINAS GAY!! GAY GAY GAY GAY!!!!
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[30 Nov 2004|02:00am] |
I finally got to see the movie FoxFire and it already has jumped to one of my favorite movies of all time. God, it was so worth the endless searching. Angelina Jolie is so beautiful, she makes meh tremble like a school girl! Nicoles friend Amanda has moved in with her young ones. I'm adjusting to it by not stepping out of the livingroom... ever. I don't like kids. I just got switched into morning hours as well, I am so happy. I'm going to be able to have fun during the night. I'm so lonely, boohoo.
I got internet access to my computer now.. which means.. that I get to live in my bedroom again haha. I'm an internet nerd and its sad :o( Alls well in the neighboorhood.
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| A better email reply |
[12 Nov 2004|02:28pm] |
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A picture, first glance you probably wouldn't notice its significance. Or perhaps you'd only have to see it through my eyes to see its importance. I brought my camera into school that day, for the purpose of taking this one picture. Trying to play my cards cool, I waited the entire day, taking photos of various things, hoping that it wouldn't seem to obvious. Uncertainty could have caused the delay, but I put the blame on insecurities, my self esteem had long since grown melancholy since the day that I first met you, Not able to keep eye contact for longer than eight seconds without being completely dumbstruck by the colors in your eyes, I decided to take this picture.
I was frantic if you couldn't tell, My words fell out of my mouth as if they were bricks. So nervous that you wouldn't let me take this picture, the picture that would speak a thousand words, a thousand words of unconditional beauty that I felt too insecure to speak. You posed for me! When capturing that first shot, I knew it lacked something that my heart was so fond of, Unable to recall what I had said, what lame joke I might have laid on you, you cracked a smile, which only began to grow, and I snapped the picture that I am so appreciative of today.
The weathers shifted since then, a million memorys have clutterd over this one. Alot of shit was said, alot of feelings were hurt. Remberence has always been an issue with me, I have trouble forgiving and fogetting because I was always taught that history repeats itself so rather than face it, I would run away. But when I see this picture I have, the only picture I have of you, I'm reminded of the setting, reminded of the feelings, reminded of essence of you that drove my heart crazy. So, of course I could never hold a grudge against you. This picture that I have is the icon of a thousand great memorys I have involving you. The icon that can shed my eyes away from all the bad times. I will always welcome your friendship, Theres a hole in my heart that cannot be mended without your brilliant sowing fingers.
Somewhere out there, there is a woman with an awkward memory of coming into a bathroom stall and finding three flys face up on the lip of the toliet. Though you can't hear them, their bodies will always chant "We fly together, we die together"
Hope that sticks.
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[10 Nov 2004|11:48pm] |
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Miles Away |
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And she thinks about me, I feel her watch me as I twirl and skip through the corners of the kitchen, her wonderful brown eyes, I saw her with her hair in a pony tail as opposed to the messy bun she keeps it in, so curious to know if she knows just how pretty she is.
She changed my work schedule so I would work the same night that she closes the store, we went out back to beat some sense into a boy, she held him while i punched him a few times in the stomach, not too hard though, he thought it was funny. I wanted to inflict pain, he threw a piece of chicken fat at Tiff and the top of my skull was the only thing that kept it from hitting her in the side of the face.
Why do I love sipping on the fine wine of secret crushes? You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but it's just too much fun. I wouldn't even consider this a real crush, a married woman is quite out of my league. But it's fun to dream sometimes.
My dreams are all I have to look forward to. I'm sad, if I let my gaurd down, I will immediently start crying. I see kids, well, I saw a kid that looked like David Miller, not the David that I know of today. But the David that I knew when I was in seventh grade, the David that I had my first real crush on. The David that I had my heart set on for three years, the boy I defended whenever he was put down, the boy that made me think that zits were cute. The only David I would have fallen stupidly in love with. Seeing this boy, seeing his remarkable resemblance to David, made me realize that seventh grade was just a memory. I'll never be in that state of mind again, the people I knew then aren't the people I know now. I have great memories, but none of which I thought I would have now. Did I waste my childhood? It breaks my heart knowing I will never be able to sit in my front yard for hours and entertain myself with my imagination. I try not to think about it, I throw my irish fist at fuzzy memories that might render my heart defenseless and allow myself to cry hurtful tears.
I'll never see my mother dancing in the kitchen shaking up popcorn singing the song Twist and Shout. I'll never get to lay on my fathers belly and try to match our breathing patterns together. I'll never be able to walk into Ms. Thomason's class room and smile knowing I was going to spend the next hour and fourty minutes with David.
Last year I wasn't going to school, I didn't have a job, did nothing but hang out with friends, hang out with Kat. Mother provided me with cash for gas, it was nothing but relaxation. I feel like I could kill for the feeling that I would get being at the beach during that period of time. There is just so many words I could use to describe those days, but none of which I don't feel embarassed with putting here. But I really miss the beach, or I really miss Kat. Most likely it's both. But their both miles away, yeaaa, milesss awaaayy... miles away.... think I'm going to listen to Goldfinger.
HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE? HOW DEEP IS THE OCEAN? AND HOW DEEP IS THE SEA? AND HOW DEEP IS MY LOVE?
It's miles away Miles away Miles away Yeah miles away
I'll get my life back on track, once I repair the dead horse and buy a new saddle.
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[01 Nov 2004|12:51pm] |
Woooo saw a few movies this weekend so I thought i'd give me a reason to update. Alright, first one I saw was.. Saw (haha) and it was well, interesting. It kept my interest up, a lot of unanwsered questions however. It was pretty cool tho, if you're a movie critic, don't see it, but if you get into the mentality of the film then it's great.
Dawn Of The Dead. Why hadnt I seen this movie before? It was awesome. I'm torn between this movie and Resident Evil 2 in best zombie film. Resident evil did kick alot of ass tho.. but this was a true hardcore zombie movie so I guess I'ma go with it. Didn't give ANY closure, everyone died, the end. Awesome effects.. not much CGI.. all costumes and makeup. It was pretty gross, but amazing. I think everyone should see it.
I went to a costume party the day before halloween. I wasn't planning to go or dress up but considering the fact that my brother and Nicole didn't make that an option, early Saturday morning we went shopping. All I got was some striped stockings, black duct tape, white face paint, bright red lipstick, bright red lip liner, 10 ft of red lace and 60 saftey pins. I dressed myself up like a morbid doll. I looked awesome.
The stockings i bought were like.. tights and I wanted knee high so I cut them. Used duct tape to secure them around my lower thigh. Used saftey pins to keep them connected. Wrapped and made a bow from the ribbon and had some dangle down aswell for a raggity effect. I used saftey pins to secure that. And I'm so damn proud of the work I did on this, I made the stockings hold up by putting duct tape and ripped shirt sleeves around my upper thigh, twisted duct tape together and saftey pinned it to the tape around my thigh then connected it with the stockings to keep them from falling. It totally worked out perfectly, looked completely awesome and I hadn't spent more than $20 HA!
I ripped apart a skirt that I had once had, pleated, I used a knife and tore the bitch up. Wore that.. with a diced up white dress up shirt, had a tank top underneath. I closed the shirt with a shit load of saftey pins designed in X's. Put several in odd little places on my outfit. My neck was lined with black duct tape and a big bow of red lacey ribbons, My face was white, HEAVY black eyeshadow, eyeliner, did my lips in a wonderful "british red" and yep. Had two different screw earrings in. I looked compeltely adorable :o) I also had my bangs above and beyond in my face (I dont really have bangs.. just not as lengthy hair) and had it curled while the rest of my hair was in a tight bun.
All the girls there were dressed super hot tho. I seemed to be the only odd one :o( but my brothers staff sargent was dressed up as a total gothed out vampire and he kept an eye on me all night. I felt kinda at home then. I don't feel like I fit in anytime else.
T-hehehe my manger is so damn cute. She seems so sad.. all the time. Making her smile is the highlight of my day. I've been sleeping well
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[26 Oct 2004|11:11pm] |
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Three beers later and I'm still going
Yea, I'ma make a new journal. Cuz ima post comprimsing pictures of myself and what not (aka NOODZ!!!) or something like that. Uhhh.. wow. Nothing at all has happened since I've moved to Arkansas. I can't wait to come back to Florida.. but not in winter time, prolly in summer time will I enjoy it most. I miss the beach. I miss the summer time. I miss juss chillin with Kat at the beach. That was probably the happiest I have ever been. Kinda weird how things turned out? I probably shouldn't have brought up the things that I did when I last emailed her, but how can I start being honest without completely telling the truth first? Things I kept a secret in fear of ruining our friendship. I see our friendship in so many colors.. red when I'm angry, blue when I was sad, yellow when I was content, and pink when I was happy. When you focus on all the red, any color can seem obsolete. But when I look at her picture, the only picture I have, all I can ever see is pink. Warm, beautiful, silk sheets of pink. Oh, how I miss summer.
I don't know why I have to act so angry, when all I really want to do is love, I feel rejected when things don't go my way. All I can do is retaliate and pretend that I didn't care at all. But it's a lie.
Alot of things have been lies, lies to the people I care for. But it was always for their protection. Protection from the side of me that I don't wish to show. I am a little crazy. But that's my greatest quality when I don't try to conceal it. Silly Amanda.
I have a small crush on my female manager, Tiffany. She's happily married, going to school for business, my manager at Popeyes. But something about her sad, light brown eyes, her hair in the constant messy bun and her way of bitching about her day makes my heart a little warm. She laughs at me alot, makes small talk with me whenever she's on break, she's cute.
I saw a girl that looked exactly like Kylie only if Kylie were a little older. She had nice brown eyes, short brown hair, wore this beautiful levi skirt, nice black tanktop and was holding a book. She was the only female I have ever waited on that wanted to eat in alone. Girls never eat in when their by themself. But she did, because she wanted to enjoy her book while she ate. This next beer is in total dedication to Kylie, my friend that I've neglected. And protected me while I was shit faced. And still cares for me even though I can be a complete and total bitch. I miss you Eilyk. Hahahhaa Adnama.
I don't need no instructions to know how to ROCK!
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[23 Oct 2004|11:28am] |
Saw The Grudge last night, Uhh.. well, I probably would have liked it alot and gotten quite scared from it if it wasn't for ELEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS SCREAMING FUCKING TWENTY SECONDS BEFORE SOMETHING SCARY ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!
I couldn't process something being scary because girls were seriously screaming their fucking heads off at anything that seemed remotely scary. I wanted to punch them in their fucking ear wax thick lipglossed lips. Fucking bitches. They ruined the movie for me. But thats what I get for coming in on opening night :o( I wanted to see it so bad tho. Dammit. It was pretty scary tho. A lot like the Ring only the plot isn't as thick. I might see it again.
Fuccckkk, I'm so tired. I had to sleep in my room last night and it was difficult. Waaahhhhh!!
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[20 Oct 2004|11:46pm] |
I GOT A FUCKING SUNBURN TODAY I'M SO HOPPY!
Tomorrow I get paid. Fucking sweet. I'm going to buy me a bunch of hoes. Or some new threads... undecided. I need a car though. Shit...
I miss the beach alot. When I say alot, I mean, alot
Ahhh yes, when I'm 18, I'm going back. Juicy fruit commericals rock. So does Sea Lab 2021. Gloobs are adorable :o)
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[19 Oct 2004|01:32pm] |
1:32 and alls well.
Well, I have nothing to do with my life. 'cept go to work. I'm so hideiously bored. Last night I had a dream that a horrible disease slowly killed everyone off on the earth. You died.. but your gross looking body still stayed alive, wiggling, twitching and reacting to what your expressions in the after life.
A prediction? Or a crappy version of Resident Evil 2? Which was awesome. I'm going to see the Grudge Friday. What's today? Tuesday? God dammit. I woke up yesterday to rain and a HUGE siren. Nicole and I had been questioning it, thinking that it was a firetruck or something. It sounded like the siren from Night Of The Twisters. Turns out it is a tornado alarm. It's loud.
I'm so happy we now have Comedy Central and Adult Swim. I've been watching Dilbert a lot lately (which is insane because Dilbert is usually on late at night) and the more I watch it, the funnier it gets. I have no point with this line.
I get paid Thursday. Woohoo! Heres my most recent poster, it's pretty and you'll envy it.
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| Amandas Fear |
[17 Oct 2004|07:44pm] |
What sort of creepy problem in my past has caused such an immense fear now?
I have bad problems sleeping alone. I get really paranoid of the slighest noise and uh, it's been like that since I was a young child. I'm afraid to talk while I'm by myself, if I make a noise, something bad will happen. I KNOW that this is silly, nothing is going to get me. But I'm still so fucking afraid.
I took some sleeping pills last night, hoping that it will let me sleep easier. I fell asleep pretty quick.. but while sleeping, I was having a dream about myself thinking about how ridiculous it is for me to be afraid of being alone in my bedroom. Because not only is it a fear of being alone, it's a fear of talking while I'm alone, afraid of making any high pitched noise at all. So, in my dream, I was walking out towards the door when I stopped in the doorway to just prove exactly how stupid I was being thinking that something was going to get me. So, with my hands on the door knob, ready to exit the bedroom. I turned around, faced my wall and screamed at the top of my lungs. When I finished my scream and was ready to bolt out the door. It felt like something dragged me into the center of the bedroom, the door slammed and I was pushed onto the floor, then my body was stunned. I could feel it like it was actually happening to me (and I think it actually was), it felt like my entire body went to sleep, shaking violently like I was freezing to death. I shut my eyes tight and let the shaking happen, I was helpless to stop it.
Then I woke up with my sheets sticking to my skin, my face was hot. I shot glances around the room making sure I was alone, then shuffled back onto the futon (I've been sleeping on it hoping that it will make a difference in the peacefulness of my sleep, guess it's not working) so.. yea. Well, trying to get back to sleep, I was paranoid and my body kept locking up everytime the same noise occured.
I don't know what makes that fucking noise but it only happens in my bedroom. It's a highpitched buzz, when it clicks on, I get scared, so fucking scared that the sound is amplified by a thousand, then my heart races and my body locks up in fear. I'm paralyzed.. but last night was slightly better, each time my body was to the point of locking up, I was able to calm myself down, open my eyes and realize that nothing was trying to get me, that I was safe. This repeated itself at least four times throughout the course of the night.
I feel safe in the daylight, I can take naps with no problem. when I'm at other peoples houses, I sleep soundly. When I have people over MY house, I'm fine. But it's only when a room had been dubbed my bedroom does it begin to bring fear. Being left alone in a room that I have claimed my own scares me. Ehh.. god, I wish I knew.
The woman that haunted me in my sleep must have been nothing more than a mental image that I imagined to put a face on my sleep problems. I had a dream this year of that woman again, she was in the living room and when I saw her, I fell to my knees in almost a bowing position and began shaking as I did in my most recent dream.
I mean what the fuck? I don't understand why it happens. I don't understand and it frustrates me so fucking much. I feel so strong and fearless in a crowd, even just one other indivdual is around but when I'm alone, I'm helpless. Frightened. I don't know what to do.
There was a woman that used to babysit me.. one that I used to think was mean. She did yell alot, she was older. Kinda a grandma, I only have one memory of her, and I wonder if she was to be linked to all of this? Someone fucked me up when I was younger. I wish I knew
I went to the mall today and bought a pimp jacket, well, put it on lay away. Went to the bigger mall around here and holy shit it was prep city. The most hip mall I have EVER been too. Three fucking Abercrombie & Fitch, Two Wet Seal, Limited Two, Limited, Gadzooks, so many other preppy stores and not ONE Hot Topic, not ONE Spencers. I was in hell. But they had a cool candy store that I bought THIS AT!

They don't show all the new flavors that were included with mine. I ate one that tasted like Soap, it felt like soap sods were in my mouth lol. I ate a spagetti one, tasted like burnt tomatos. Ate the dirt (or earthworm) tasted like.. I don't even kno. They're cool. The candy shop was awesome. This things are coo.
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| Funny Shit |
[16 Oct 2004|11:01pm] |
Pezboy: wtf??!?! Pezboy: yea i wouldnt go down on her Pezboy: even at that drunken state, i still wouldnt do that Pezboy: then gets close and closer and closer Pezboy: then... then... gets up and takes off her pants Pezboy: explain that
Wow, NOT WHAT I HEARD David is one funny ass mother fucker. I love that skank. Worked today. I make all the managers laugh and they say that they think i'm cool and their home girl. Since no one can remember my name is Amanda, they call me Sue. I've always wanted to go by that name so its awesome.
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[16 Oct 2004|12:56am] |
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Today on my very special day off, I went to the state fair. It was the most expensive piece of shit I have ever been to. But, they did have some cool rides that cost like five tickets to go on. I got to pet a bunch of farm animals, craddle a little duckling in my hand and stick my fingers in the chickity cage and catapult them over each other. It was adorable and mean at the same time. They were so damn cute tho.
There was a what I think to be a local band playing there as well. Same scene as Florida, only these guys were a million times better. This kid had me captivated with his amazing voice. I don't think he was much older than fifteen but he could fucking scream. I love the sound of high pitched boy screams, it kinda makes me wanna pick a fight with one to see how hard I can get them to yell.
I'm getting my lip pierced sometime this month. I hope the people at work don't bitch about it too much, I don't think many will care cuz the black kids getta wear their little thug hair nets, come into work stoned as hell, I'm sure a lip ring won't cause too much controversy. I'm thinking about getting my tattoo redone.. I really never liked it much to begin with. I wanted something a little more.. creative but mother didn't approve of my tastes.
I feel so apathetic. I was drawing a really pretty picture today of a girl. My heart kinda flutters when I look at it so that must be a good sign, it's nothing special, I'll probably end up scanning it once I color it. Ahh god, I need friends. I'm so damn bored.
I took some personality tests and they came out pretty much how I expected them too. ( The Results )
And if youre a little bitch and don't care about my hard earn results, or care to read what I write, heres a pic to entertain you.
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[14 Oct 2004|11:56pm] |
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Busy at the local Popeyes today. I got a lot of tips tho.. I think, I'm not sure. Money would appear next to me but I wasn't sure where exactly it came from. I always give the costumers back their change.. they do leave tips. Weird. I didn't get out till like a fucking hour later than I usually do, it reeked. Costumers just sat in the lobby, chilling. I hate those bitches. I like spazzed today because every fucking dust pan as a hole in the bottom
How much fucking sense does that make? I sweep up a pile of dirt and it falls right back out. I was freaking out because they all had holes, the manager was joking about how we order them with holes already in them to save $33 cents. So, me and the manager used this non-sticking tape (what the hell? did they order it from the same company as the damn preholed dustpans?) and fixed the large hole. So all night I got to use the freaking raggedy anne dust pan. THe manager thinks im hilarious though.
This guy called Mardio (I can only remember his name by saing Mardio Vascular Exercise) said that he'd take me out on the town if I was only eightteen. I don't know what to say anymore, I'm sick of no one repsecting the fact that I just don't like anyone. He's a real cool guy tho, hes real smooth, alot of girls like him. He's a looker aswell. But god dammit, what is more straight up than NO?
I want to be treated like one of the guys, if a guy tells me he likes me, its like they're coming on to their best guy friend. I wanna be like "Dude, I ain't gay. Fucking queer" but oh wait, according to the "abstinent" "straight" hypocrital, infectious cunt, I only say I'm a lesbian because no attractive guy wants me. But every guy attracted to her has seemly been attracted to me? And all of them ended up hating her to some extent while remaining my friends? But no, I am the diabolical bitch. its ok tho, cuz I still love that fucking bitch despite her attempts to destory my ego. Stupid bitch though, so fucking silly. God dammit I want to punch her in the face and hug her right after.
I don't hate anyone right now and I'm happy. Well, happy at some points. I can't control my personality quirks. But they're fun.
Uhh.. talked to Maegan today for like a good hour. She's so damn funny, she's so mean and does it in such a hot fashion that makes me wanna rip her clothes off and do her like a horny... what animal is not over played in this sentence.. LIKE A HORNY KITTEN!!!!!! No one says kitten :o) fweeee!!
Noooo!! God, it's so funny but it pains me at the same time. Poor duckies but HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!! IT FELL DOWN THE SEWER!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA oh god poor ducky :o( i bet the mother is miserable. BUT HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA LMAO THEY FELL!!!1

Yea, now im going to go to bed using this blue ear plugs I found ever so conviently next to the laptop. At least I hope their ear plugs... please don't be anal plugs.. please.
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